Life Lessons Pt 9: How To Switch Species

The reason for my absence from the blog world since Feb 27th is due to the following: Alcohol.
I am very sorry, I've been feeling so guilty about it. So here blog world. Let me fill you in:

The Olympic parties really seemed to get my going. I took a bit of a break because there weren't many high rolling DJs in town. I guess I focused on school during that time. That was until, my birthday started creeping up. I have now come to realize that the BirthDAY no longer exists, it has now been replaced with the BirthWEEK and occasionally, for the physcotic ones like myself... the BirthMONTH. Which is proven to also emphasize your DEATHmonth. Literally, a month of partying hard everyday will kill. I am proof- And the months not even over.

Sunday Feb 28th - Got crazy at Deadmau5 @ Gossip and took pictures. It was the closing ceremonies. I got drunk. (Pic ONE)

Thursday March 4-7th - I took it easy, and went to bars and clubs in gastown like Lotus, chilled with friends, didn't take many pics. (Pic TWO)

Tuesday March 9th - Celebrities: DUH. It was the night before my birthday. Tons of people came out and mass consumed shots of Red Headed Sluts mmmmmm my fave. (Pic THREE)

Wednesday March 10th: Officially my birthday and I had 8 hours of school and was more than hungover. Hated Life. Later went downtown with some friends and bar hopped.

Thursday March 11th: My girls and I went on a Donnelly Pub Crawl Tour- I only thought these things were meant for tourists, but apparently not, everyone there (that I talked to) was from Van! It was jokes. I went to more Vancouver bars that night than I had in my 7 months of living here. We hit up places like the Academic, Lamp Lighter, and ended up at Republic... Which included drink tickets and a British double decker bus for transit. Jokes. (Pic FOUR)

Friday March 12th: Jack Beats and AC Slater hit up Celebs! Great show! Actually thought a lot more people would be there- But I heard it was sold out... Weird? It was night to not be crammed in though. Everyone came out, it was a good time. (Pic FIVE)

Saturday March 13th: Chilled with friends, took it easy.

Sunday March 14th: Diplo at Venue!!! Holy WOW. I'm not a fan of Venue- If there are fans of Venue..... WTF?! Venue is more like a last resort venue. ANYHUE I was very pleasantly surprised that night. It wasn't a horribly E tarded/ Douche baggy crowd as I would have usually expected. A lot of cool people showed up and Diplo dropped some insane tunes! Seriously, one of THE BEST shows I've been to! Diplo was completely outa his trees too- which was impressive for such an unreal show. he was spinning house and then outa no where sneaked in dubstep which totally got the crowd soaring. (Pic SIX)

Monday March 15th: My friends and I think it would be a grand idea to go to Whistler for the night, and we were in luck cause only later did we find out Chris Lake was going to be spinning at Garfinkels. It was my first time in Whistler (I know, shame on me), but it was a great time! I enjoyed the village, enjoyed the company, loved the music (I've seen Chris Lake in Vancouver before - I think it was about a month ago) but I think this was an even better show. I got to hear Peak Season's Dre Morel spin for the first time, which I'm sure was great but I was focusing more on his good looks. And took some dope pics! (Pic SEVEN & EIGHT)

Tuesday March 16th: I leave Whistler before 10am to drive to Vancouver... for my 12 30 class. I wasn't having fun with it.

Now. I'm dead. Lesson Learned: If you want to no longer be human... and switch species. Go get wrecked every day for a week, I promise you, You'll never be the same.

Life Lessons Pt 8: How To Survive The Olympics

Well I came back from Toronto early. There was just so much going on in the news, and all the parties, I knew I had to take part and get rowdy. So I switched my flight to get back at 11pm on Tuesday Feb 23rd.

The next day I get a gig at Canvas Lounge for the Men's Olympic Ski Jumping victory party. I go with a friend, take pictures, talk to people, have some drinks, and then peace to The Cellar... where there were SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS and more drinks. Then got into the Irish House (where Colbert was recently) and had more drinks. The streets of Granville were filled and everyone was stoked on life.



The next day I went to the Women's Canada vs. USA Hockey game where I screamed at the top of my lungs getting so rowdy for Canada. That night a group of us went back to The Cellar for a friends going away party. Our friend is in a wheel chair due to a broken ankle... I had no idea how much people love cripples. We're pushing her around the sky train and down Granville yelling "SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS" and "GO CANADA GO" while the rest of the mosh of people gave her high fives like a champ. At The Cellar I'm taking pics of the band, turn around and see that the USA Women's Hockey team had showed up! More drinks for me, and them and soon enough we were all singing Sweet Home Alabama on stage. What a night.

And lost my voice.



The next day (last night- Friday) I took pics are Calvin Harris which was dope.

ANYWAY THIS IS HOW TO SURVIVE:

1) Bring a friend in a wheel chair: You get lots of free drinks, new friends, and skip lines.
2) Get rowdy
3) Sing karaoke with Olympic Athletes
4) Scream Lil John ft. LMFAOs song "SHOTS"
5) Take advantage of drinking on the streets while you can.

I've realized that as much as I disagree with the Olympics, hate what it's done to Vancouver, all the money it's waisted. I do love the parties. And getting rowdy with strangers.

(The first picture is of me and my friend with some of the Olympic Ski Jumpers, Second pic is of the drummer - both at Canvas... Third pic is of a Woman's USA Olympic hockey player getting rowdy at The Cellar... And the fourth pic is of Calvin Harris at Celebrities)

1 word: DOPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Life Lessons Pt 7: You Want What You Can't Have

I live in Vancouver, BC. You know what that means. The Olympics.
Now obviously this has had tons of hype for a while now, whenever you hear "Vancouver" you think "2010 Olympics" (Or maybe that's just me).

ANYWAY. I was pretty pumped for the Olympics, and living in the host city. WOW the big WINTER GAMES. A time when countries from all over the globe congregate in one city to show off without using weapons. The chance for Canada to really show off it's fantastic mass amounts of snow and put it to use. A chance for Canada to redirect it's Hockey Night to it's Olympic Games. A chance for Whistler Snow Junkies to display what they've been trying to justify dropping out of school for.

Well all I can say is HA!

We were all so pumped for the Olympics, but as it crept close the locals started noticing how many douche bags were supporters of the games... And as those douche bags started appearing more and more like wild cattle let out of a gate, everyone knew to abandon their homes and flee. But it's not like we're over reacting! Not only was Vancouver flooded by a tsunami of grease monkeys but also by:

Taxes: which are going to: MOVING SNOW FROM MOUNTAIN TO MOUNTAIN BY HELICOPTER... WTF CANADA

Police: Vancouver has enough police for good reason, but seriously we don't need an army of police boats acting as Big Brother around English Bay

New Employees: Obviously the Olympics has employed many of people which is great for mullah, but it's not cool. I went to great a crepe from my favourite crepe place on Granville Island. I was craving it all week, so pumped, and there's a new girl on staff. Who completely massacred my highlight of the day. It's just not the same.

Art Installations: Holy Fucking Hell. I like art. I like public art installations. But I hate those fucking beams of light raping the skies of English Bay and False Creek. THEY LOOK STUPID, THE DESIGNS DON'T WORK, THEY'RE SO BRIGHT, I CAN'T SLEEP, GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY. We all loved the Olympics when it wasn't here... But now that it's come it's not nearly as good as we expected.
Lesson Learned.

But in all honesty... if we weren't having the Olympics in Vancouver everyone would have been like "Wow, it'd be so cool to have the Olympics here". And yes, I do semi regret flying to Toronto and not having to deal with the chaos.

(This photo was taken the night of the Opening Games at Burrard and Robson... where I find lights, fire, fire works, a concert, and a mosh pit of thousands of people... To my surprise).

Life Lessons Pt 6: How To Be Aggressive

On friday night I went to a Rusko show. It was packed, everyone was hyped, the music was dope, it smelled horrible, and I thought the floors were going to cave. Typical dubstep. I somehow managed to consume 14 drinks in 3.5 hours.

ANYWAY blah blah blah shit happens and I punch a guy in the face. 5 times.

1) I don't know how to punch.
2) I have 3 huge metal rings on my right hand.
3) I was waisted.

I wake up in the morning and get a text saying "your hand hurting?"
I flex my hand confused... fine. Then trying to recall what happened the night before FUCKKKK

Later as the pieces are put together and my thumb continues to swell and bruise I find myself thinking "WHY THE FUCK DID I PUNCH HIM"

Me being the egotistical drunk I am did it because I was told I was "all talk".

Lesson learned... learn how to punch properly before the vodka fills your ego.
... Another lesson learned....
.............DON'T MESS WITH ME.

........I'M CHUCK NORRIS BITCH!

(This picture is from that night- I think I was just got so hyped up cause it was in the air)

Life Lessons Pt 5: How To Handle Emergencies

On Monday, I woke up, thought about school and had an anxiety attack. An anxiety attack so bad that my body cut off my senses (I went blind and deaf) for about 25 minutes. WTF. Literally, blind and deaf. However, it wasn't a black out, like what happens when you have 8 shots of tequila and 4 double vodka and redbulls, it was as if I had died. All I saw was a bright white light, and nothing else. All I heard was a horrific buzzing sound. So, what the hell are you supposed to do when the things you rely on the most disappear? Call 911. Although I'm not one to ask for help, this seemed like my only option. (And my phone was with me when this happened- hence how I was able to call).

So just about 10 minutes after I call the ambulance, it all stopped. As if nothing were to have happened I felt perfectly fine. Oh fuck. The ambulance is on the way and I look like a complete jackass. So, what do you do? But quickly get changed and jump in bed before anyone sees you. I lay in bed acting dead as the ambulance men open my door trying to find me. To my surprise they were GORGEOUS. "Oh hey there boys" I thought. And they just looked at me like "WTF are you doing?"

So immediately I explain to them what happened, and that somehow it passed really fast. The only thing they really commented on what how many clothes I had on my floor. "Great, now they see me at my worst, there goes my chance for getting their numbers" I thought. Because I have no doctor in Vancouver they suggest they drive me to the hospital for a check up. I chat in the back of the ambulance with Mr. Hottie about his job and how funny I am.

I get there, I wait for a while, have a smoke, give a smoke to another crazy lady waiting there, we talk about how long we have to wait (even though I really didn't have to wait long at all), I go back in, wait some more, update my facebook, chat on bbm, and get called in by the doctor.

Who then informs me that I worked my body up so much that I fainted, but consciously. So it's like fainting and losing all your senses, but still being aware. WEIRD.

So I take a cab home, get changed, I figure I should get to class. NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Anyway, If you feel like a jackass for calling 911, it's probably for the better cause it's embarrassing. Just hope for two sexy men who ask if you want to jump on their stretcher.

(This picture is from a photo shoot I did on Friday of the band Dalla-Tina... When I saw the bright white light I thought I died)

Life Lessons Pt 4: How To Move On

In life we come across many barriers which hold us back from moving on. Whether it being stuck on a crush, a social situation, work, loss, anything which holds us back from continuing on with our day, keeps our focus, or haunts our sleep. During this time we put all our energy into thinking "How can I fix this?", "Why can't I fix this?", "Why will this not go away?", "If only I was a magician", or just yelling and being angry with the world in general.

Well that's not guna get you anywhere.
From experience and from hearing it constantly from others, the crush seems to be the worst, most common, most stuck up on, barrier. Basically like the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You"... But in the end all of that was proven to be wrong. Bullshit. WTF is that about? The guy gives in after making all these rules? That's horrible, it just means that that entire movie was a lie. So that's why I'm here to set it straight... Once you realize: they don't like you, are seeing someone else, it's just not happening, you're too tied up, you've started stalking them - you know you'll have to get over them, and move on.

First things first.
1) Tell yourself they're gay. They don't like you because they want more of what they already have. Done deal, you can't help nature.
2) Get drunk (preferably not alone)
3) Go shopping
4) Make yourself a fan page on Facebook
5) "Accidentally" bump into them a month later looking HOT and with a sexy other.

Honestly, if the gay thought followed by getting drunk doesn't help, then you're seriously stuck. If that's the case, make yourself busy, time will go by, and they'll soon become the last thing on your mind.

GET OVER IT

(I took this picture at Fortune on the 15th- now up on thefuturists.ca)

Life Lessons Pt 3: How To Fill Free Time

I have recently tried a number of things to fill in my free time, which I seem to have a lot of since I've denied my schools existence. Some time fillers have worked, others not so much. My goal was to keep myself busy (without thinking about school) and spend minimal time at my apartment which has proven to drive me to astrology, psychology, crazy, and alcoholism.
Fixes ranging from specifically driving to Burrard and Broadway to repetitively make U turns, to going over to a friends to youtube Jimmy Fallon's "Bothered" skit, to going to Safeway just to be surprised that there's a Starbucks in the middle.

Ways to Fill Free Time: DOs:

1) Go to a friend's and youtube Jimmy Fallon's "Bothered"
2) Try different grocery stores and compare which one feeds the most attractive people
3) Bungee jump from the Granville Bridge
4) Ride the aquabus and exchange drunken stories with the driver
5) Go to Saphora to collect free samples of face creams

Ways to Fill Free Time: DON'Ts:

1) Do U turns at Burrard and Broadway
2) Finish half a 26 of vodka to yourself and then go to the club Celebrities... when you have an 8:30am class the next morning
3) Go to Kinkos for a "quick print"
4) Engage in personal conversations with Safeway employees
5) Go for a walk and assume it's not going to rain

Lessons Learned.

Life Lessons Pt 2: How To Address Problems

Sometimes when you're stuck in life time seems to stand still. The same problem keeps circling your mind, not going away, and seems to be inevitable and never resolved. WTF are you supposed to do? Ask for advise? Search it in Google? Take a personality quiz? Check your horoscope? Well sure, those are all the things I do, but unless you seriously get enlightened by a wise monk, you'll go no where.

So in all honesty, wise monk talk, I suggest drinking. By doing this you will not realize how much time has gone by, your problems will disappear, you'll start not caring, and you might need to get a liver transplant. But, everyone gets those at least twice in a life time, so it's no big deal.

If vodka's not your cup of delusion, then I would try tequila. 8 shots of that and you know a year will feel like a week. But what a week! No worries, problems, confusions, responsibilities, stress, any of that, except for compulsive shaking after spending half of that time over a toilet, garbage can, sewer, car window, or alley way store stoop.

However, after sobering up from your alternate dream universe, the problems, stress, and reality hit. And that's when worst comes to worse and you have to throw your arms in the air from your ruffled crusty messy covers and yell "FUCK IT" with your raspy harsh cancer embedded throat, and deal with what ever has been haunting you and pushing you to alcoholism... After you go throw up again and take a shower.

Life Lessons Pt 1: How To Get Thru Lectures

As I am writing I am in my first lecture of the semester. Last semester I had an art history lecture. Both are three hours long, in a room with 400 people, and a stage, podium, screen, and projector at the front.
WTF are you supposed to do when you're not sitting on an isle seat at the back of the room? It's boring, your aggravated, my ass goes numb, you start daydreaming about what you would be doing if you weren't chained to your seat, and you start trying to over hear other peoples whispering chatter. AND the worst, when the teacher is trying to be funny, and the audiences responses is a low groan.

Well, from my experiences with this years boring, lengthy, tedious lectures, this is what I've learned. My guide.

1) SIT ON THE ISLE
2) Bring your laptop
3) Have a large 4 shot coffee
4) Google as much information as possible so you can book mark it, and not have to listen
5) Text others who are in the class, so you can be further distracted, but more entertained.
6) Resist yelling or throwing objects
7) If you do make sure they can't see your face
8) If they do know who you are and they confront you about it, tell them that you have the stomach flu, haven't been able to sleep in 2 weeks, you've been studying but you're so dyslexic you don't understand anything, and you really like their sweater, "where'd you get it?"
9) During the smoke break... run.
10) Ponder what you think the teachers life story may be... As an extremest.

Follow these guidelines... and you'll pass with a C-... But you'll enjoy that extra time free that you'll probably just spend on facebook anyway.

This picture was taken when I was 16... Same thing on my mind now. Not much as changed.

(THIS IS WRITING, A STORY, ENTERTAINMENT, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, VIEWER FRIENDLY, A JOKE, SARCASM... Take it however way you want, but this is not FACT nor ENCOURAGEMENT)

Ways Of Communication

Communication is something that can be done thru tons on portals. However, communication somehow seems to be humans worst skill. Seriously, the emotion of confusion would not exist if we could communicate clearly, and yet it seems that people are confused 99% of the time. Zombies wondering around, facebook, twitter, texting, bbming, msn, calling, blogging, meeting, teleporting, telecom, letters, art, photography, everything- SO MANY WAYS... yet we fail to communicate correctly.

In result I have decided to make up my own language which cannot be mistaken for anything else. Mrah.
My language is clear as glass, that with the addition of facial expressions. Eye rolling, eye expanding, eyebrow bending, teeth grinding, eye glaring, wrinkle shaking, mouth left side: grinning, "yea right", "you're going to regret that", "that's fantastic". Along with the words: "Mrah", "Rah", Mrarah", "Gah", "Mah", "Garahaha", "Mumahmarah", etc... It's very clear.

So I believe that if everyone adapts my language the emotion of confusion would not exist, everyone would be able to communicate clearly, and we all would be happier. So far there are only two people on earth that are fluent in this language: Will you be next?

Mrah.