Life Lessons Pt 5: How To Handle Emergencies

On Monday, I woke up, thought about school and had an anxiety attack. An anxiety attack so bad that my body cut off my senses (I went blind and deaf) for about 25 minutes. WTF. Literally, blind and deaf. However, it wasn't a black out, like what happens when you have 8 shots of tequila and 4 double vodka and redbulls, it was as if I had died. All I saw was a bright white light, and nothing else. All I heard was a horrific buzzing sound. So, what the hell are you supposed to do when the things you rely on the most disappear? Call 911. Although I'm not one to ask for help, this seemed like my only option. (And my phone was with me when this happened- hence how I was able to call).

So just about 10 minutes after I call the ambulance, it all stopped. As if nothing were to have happened I felt perfectly fine. Oh fuck. The ambulance is on the way and I look like a complete jackass. So, what do you do? But quickly get changed and jump in bed before anyone sees you. I lay in bed acting dead as the ambulance men open my door trying to find me. To my surprise they were GORGEOUS. "Oh hey there boys" I thought. And they just looked at me like "WTF are you doing?"

So immediately I explain to them what happened, and that somehow it passed really fast. The only thing they really commented on what how many clothes I had on my floor. "Great, now they see me at my worst, there goes my chance for getting their numbers" I thought. Because I have no doctor in Vancouver they suggest they drive me to the hospital for a check up. I chat in the back of the ambulance with Mr. Hottie about his job and how funny I am.

I get there, I wait for a while, have a smoke, give a smoke to another crazy lady waiting there, we talk about how long we have to wait (even though I really didn't have to wait long at all), I go back in, wait some more, update my facebook, chat on bbm, and get called in by the doctor.

Who then informs me that I worked my body up so much that I fainted, but consciously. So it's like fainting and losing all your senses, but still being aware. WEIRD.

So I take a cab home, get changed, I figure I should get to class. NOT A GOOD IDEA.

Anyway, If you feel like a jackass for calling 911, it's probably for the better cause it's embarrassing. Just hope for two sexy men who ask if you want to jump on their stretcher.

(This picture is from a photo shoot I did on Friday of the band Dalla-Tina... When I saw the bright white light I thought I died)

Life Lessons Pt 4: How To Move On

In life we come across many barriers which hold us back from moving on. Whether it being stuck on a crush, a social situation, work, loss, anything which holds us back from continuing on with our day, keeps our focus, or haunts our sleep. During this time we put all our energy into thinking "How can I fix this?", "Why can't I fix this?", "Why will this not go away?", "If only I was a magician", or just yelling and being angry with the world in general.

Well that's not guna get you anywhere.
From experience and from hearing it constantly from others, the crush seems to be the worst, most common, most stuck up on, barrier. Basically like the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You"... But in the end all of that was proven to be wrong. Bullshit. WTF is that about? The guy gives in after making all these rules? That's horrible, it just means that that entire movie was a lie. So that's why I'm here to set it straight... Once you realize: they don't like you, are seeing someone else, it's just not happening, you're too tied up, you've started stalking them - you know you'll have to get over them, and move on.

First things first.
1) Tell yourself they're gay. They don't like you because they want more of what they already have. Done deal, you can't help nature.
2) Get drunk (preferably not alone)
3) Go shopping
4) Make yourself a fan page on Facebook
5) "Accidentally" bump into them a month later looking HOT and with a sexy other.

Honestly, if the gay thought followed by getting drunk doesn't help, then you're seriously stuck. If that's the case, make yourself busy, time will go by, and they'll soon become the last thing on your mind.

GET OVER IT

(I took this picture at Fortune on the 15th- now up on thefuturists.ca)

Life Lessons Pt 3: How To Fill Free Time

I have recently tried a number of things to fill in my free time, which I seem to have a lot of since I've denied my schools existence. Some time fillers have worked, others not so much. My goal was to keep myself busy (without thinking about school) and spend minimal time at my apartment which has proven to drive me to astrology, psychology, crazy, and alcoholism.
Fixes ranging from specifically driving to Burrard and Broadway to repetitively make U turns, to going over to a friends to youtube Jimmy Fallon's "Bothered" skit, to going to Safeway just to be surprised that there's a Starbucks in the middle.

Ways to Fill Free Time: DOs:

1) Go to a friend's and youtube Jimmy Fallon's "Bothered"
2) Try different grocery stores and compare which one feeds the most attractive people
3) Bungee jump from the Granville Bridge
4) Ride the aquabus and exchange drunken stories with the driver
5) Go to Saphora to collect free samples of face creams

Ways to Fill Free Time: DON'Ts:

1) Do U turns at Burrard and Broadway
2) Finish half a 26 of vodka to yourself and then go to the club Celebrities... when you have an 8:30am class the next morning
3) Go to Kinkos for a "quick print"
4) Engage in personal conversations with Safeway employees
5) Go for a walk and assume it's not going to rain

Lessons Learned.

Life Lessons Pt 2: How To Address Problems

Sometimes when you're stuck in life time seems to stand still. The same problem keeps circling your mind, not going away, and seems to be inevitable and never resolved. WTF are you supposed to do? Ask for advise? Search it in Google? Take a personality quiz? Check your horoscope? Well sure, those are all the things I do, but unless you seriously get enlightened by a wise monk, you'll go no where.

So in all honesty, wise monk talk, I suggest drinking. By doing this you will not realize how much time has gone by, your problems will disappear, you'll start not caring, and you might need to get a liver transplant. But, everyone gets those at least twice in a life time, so it's no big deal.

If vodka's not your cup of delusion, then I would try tequila. 8 shots of that and you know a year will feel like a week. But what a week! No worries, problems, confusions, responsibilities, stress, any of that, except for compulsive shaking after spending half of that time over a toilet, garbage can, sewer, car window, or alley way store stoop.

However, after sobering up from your alternate dream universe, the problems, stress, and reality hit. And that's when worst comes to worse and you have to throw your arms in the air from your ruffled crusty messy covers and yell "FUCK IT" with your raspy harsh cancer embedded throat, and deal with what ever has been haunting you and pushing you to alcoholism... After you go throw up again and take a shower.

Life Lessons Pt 1: How To Get Thru Lectures

As I am writing I am in my first lecture of the semester. Last semester I had an art history lecture. Both are three hours long, in a room with 400 people, and a stage, podium, screen, and projector at the front.
WTF are you supposed to do when you're not sitting on an isle seat at the back of the room? It's boring, your aggravated, my ass goes numb, you start daydreaming about what you would be doing if you weren't chained to your seat, and you start trying to over hear other peoples whispering chatter. AND the worst, when the teacher is trying to be funny, and the audiences responses is a low groan.

Well, from my experiences with this years boring, lengthy, tedious lectures, this is what I've learned. My guide.

1) SIT ON THE ISLE
2) Bring your laptop
3) Have a large 4 shot coffee
4) Google as much information as possible so you can book mark it, and not have to listen
5) Text others who are in the class, so you can be further distracted, but more entertained.
6) Resist yelling or throwing objects
7) If you do make sure they can't see your face
8) If they do know who you are and they confront you about it, tell them that you have the stomach flu, haven't been able to sleep in 2 weeks, you've been studying but you're so dyslexic you don't understand anything, and you really like their sweater, "where'd you get it?"
9) During the smoke break... run.
10) Ponder what you think the teachers life story may be... As an extremest.

Follow these guidelines... and you'll pass with a C-... But you'll enjoy that extra time free that you'll probably just spend on facebook anyway.

This picture was taken when I was 16... Same thing on my mind now. Not much as changed.

(THIS IS WRITING, A STORY, ENTERTAINMENT, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, VIEWER FRIENDLY, A JOKE, SARCASM... Take it however way you want, but this is not FACT nor ENCOURAGEMENT)

Ways Of Communication

Communication is something that can be done thru tons on portals. However, communication somehow seems to be humans worst skill. Seriously, the emotion of confusion would not exist if we could communicate clearly, and yet it seems that people are confused 99% of the time. Zombies wondering around, facebook, twitter, texting, bbming, msn, calling, blogging, meeting, teleporting, telecom, letters, art, photography, everything- SO MANY WAYS... yet we fail to communicate correctly.

In result I have decided to make up my own language which cannot be mistaken for anything else. Mrah.
My language is clear as glass, that with the addition of facial expressions. Eye rolling, eye expanding, eyebrow bending, teeth grinding, eye glaring, wrinkle shaking, mouth left side: grinning, "yea right", "you're going to regret that", "that's fantastic". Along with the words: "Mrah", "Rah", Mrarah", "Gah", "Mah", "Garahaha", "Mumahmarah", etc... It's very clear.

So I believe that if everyone adapts my language the emotion of confusion would not exist, everyone would be able to communicate clearly, and we all would be happier. So far there are only two people on earth that are fluent in this language: Will you be next?

Mrah.